Carmel Dog

(WRITTEN JUNE 24TH 2013)

The chlorine salted my softened skin. While the crinkled scratchy towel safely fell around me. 

I stepped out under the stars as the world welcomed me with sweet air, warm enough for comfort. Stable enough to dance.

A glow, a tiny sigh. A spirit sprung into action with a few dainty inspired words.

My thoughts seemed to be everywhere. I thought of my turning stomach, and the ache of loneliness.

I also felt whole, and unfolded like a poem once discarded. 

Was it possible to feel these two things at once? I thought so. I still feel so.

Walking into the night air felt like a haven.

I was decorated with palm trees, a luau of intoxicating memories swung around my empty hip bones. 

The air (sweet) air I mentioned before lacked a sent and was fearful of belonging, so it just drifted contently. 

These memories laced back into the earlier day. Of Walter the dog, a carmel candy Cocker Spaniel racing on the floor. His soft paw fluffed up onto my arm.

His girth, chunky and happy.

I enjoyed him jumping so high. As he did so my soul jumped.

I couldn't help thinking…"Any dog that lands a spot in this place is set; in no way lacking love."

I imagined his doggie dreams, of running on the freeway with scissors attached  while his Mama herded him safely.

A better place now. 

I longed for the words that fit his rapture. 

None could place it. 

What would it take in life to be like Walter?

From fallen, to King? 

Agile carmel racing to feel, not to win. 

A graduation into loving old ringed fingers and eggs for breakfast. 

My heart set back to the water in front of me. I had forgotten how to write, and forced it often.

But it didn't feel like it when today came, or even the emptiness of the day before.

Mind in a fog, and face set to splinter.

It all made sense when the world felt so innocent.

Now, tiny bit wiser and the sense of forgiving.

Forgive you, forgive God, forgive the the anger residing.

I scratched my orange nails on my legs, through my white hair.

Slowly but surely I am always remembering who I am, and why I am.

It has always felt like discovery, a beginning.

Over and over again.

Constant forgiving.

I slid myself into the pool illuminated and calm, the same temperature of the air.

It wrapped itself around my lonely hipbones. 

I suddenly saw myself where I had always wanted to be.

To start doing, be direct.

Remind you to remind me.

My toes waterlogged, rough against plaster.

Raised and complete.

Forgiving, forgiven.

Present, and current.

The stars my dear friends, sending their quiet blessings deep down within me.

The moon in hiding, and counting the days til it can shine again. 

It is all a good memory, there is still a lot of fight.

And here I am again, remembering and correcting.

A part of me still back there, but a lot back in town. 

And why should we just stop, forget and let go?

No, no. 

Forgive, and be happy. Thats all there is to it. 

MLC